So in the past two months, I've had a lot of personal problems. A lot. And it's been really hard to deal with, and it doesn't help that we're in the dead of winter, and the lack of sunlight is probably getting to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.
I thought, let's look instead to the future, rather than wallow in self-pity and feelings of no self worth. So I'm going to plan out some events for my summer days, events that I've always wanted to do and have never done. I will put these events into three categories: things I will do, things I will probably do (but I promise nothing), and things I want to do but will probably not.
Let's start with things I will do. This year, I want to go to the Ex, or the Red River Exhibition, which is really just a bunch of carnival rides and fireworks. It's a staple of Winnipeg. I haven't been to the Ex since I was in second year of high school, so we're talking about 8 years. I never had anybody to go with before, and I might not have anybody to go with this year, but that's a stupid excuse.
Also, I would like to go ride some horses. I sort of fell in love with horses when I read Cormac McCarthy's All The Pretty Horses, and The Crossing which are terrific books about cowboys. McCarthy's sensual and biblical prose makes the horses seem so epic. It makes me want to ride some horses.
In the second category, of things that I will probably do, I want to go on a vision quest. Now before you start laughing or anything, let me explain. For years, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing in my life, and I thought I knew my path in life completely. But in the past two months, everything I knew and everything I had changed. My life seems different, and I'm not sure where to go. A vision quest is exactly the solution to this. It sounds very crazy and very dangerous, but I really want to do this. The idea is that a combination of sensory deprivation, solitude, dehydration and spirituality is supposed to make your path in life clear to you, and what you need to do becomes apparent. A vision quest is a part of many cultures on the planet, not just Native Americans. A vision quest is a way to strip away all the noise, all the hurt, all the baggage, all the crap that makes us civilization and take us down to the meat of who we are. The vision is apparently provided by totemic spirits, but those are just metaphors for clarity of mind and peace of mind. So my plan is to go into the woods for a couple of days with only some water and some clothes and let my vision come to me.
Lastly, things that I really want to do but probably won't for some reason, this list includes sky-diving. I meant to do this years ago. I'm not really frightened of heights or anything, and I've always dreamed of flying or falling and wanted to experience it. I would love to do this. I probably won't because of financial reasons. It's expensive to do that. I'd also like to go scuba diving or snorkel diving, but since I don't live near the ocean, that probably won't happen.
I also plan to wake up every morning and go for a run, and I really mean to, but that probably won't happen because I have a lack of self-discipline. Maybe running would build self-discipline...? Oh well.
So come July and August, I will revisit this post and see how well I did.