Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Doomsday is the worst movie of 2008

I loved The Descent - it was a great balls-to-the-wall horror movie with a great ending. So when I heard that Neil Marshall was going to essentially remake Escape From New York (but in Scotland) I was interested. Perhaps it would be over the top and enjoyable. So I saw it tonight. Nope, not enjoyable and not over the top enough. It wasn't balls-to-the-wall and if you're going to remake Escape From New York and throw in every other action movie from the last decade (including, strangely, Lord Of The Rings) than you've got to make it balls-to-the-wall.

Here's the plot summary, if you care. Scotland has been walled off because of a deadly infection, a virus that has decimated most of the population. For 25 years, the country has been left to fend for itself, but the virus has leaked into London. So the government sends Rhona Mitra and her team into Scotland to locate a cure.

Once inside Scotland they meet a punk-motorcycle-cannibal gang and most of the team gets killed. Apparently in post-apocalyptic Scotland, there's plenty of hair dye and eye makeup lying around. So after meeting the motorcycle gang, the remaining cast hightail it to Mel Gibson's Braveheart, where a leathery Malcolm McDowell forces Mitra to fight his executioner. It's a well shot scene, but too bad it's such a strange tonal shift from the first third. It also features some weird Lord Of The Rings references. From Braveheart, the remaining cast find a Bentley and gasoline, and have a Mad Max style car chase, but with - like - six cars. So then, Mitra is able to record the bad guy saying the incriminating stuff and she gives the evidence to Bob Hoskins and something something something who gives a shit?

This. Was. Terrible. The dialogue was atrocious. The acting was atrocious. The plot was scatterbrain and made all these references to cool things that never came back, but we focus instead on a terrible sword fight. Hey, here's a physics lesson for you: when a sword moves through the air, it doesn't make a metallic sliding noise as if it was being sheathed. F*$% that's annoying when I hear that in a movie.

Rhona Mitra's character has one eye and has breasts, so she's Ripley meets Snake Plissken. And her back story is so thin that it could be shaved ham. None of the characters even have names. Well some of them do but who gives a shit?

I hated it. There was two instances where I was entertained: when the automatic guns on the wall let loose on a cute bunny-rabbit which immediately explodes, and when the Bentley is being driven around, but that's because it's a sexy car - only 150,000 dollars.

It's going to take a lot to wash the taste of this movie out of my mouth. In fact, I think I will go buy Escape From New York tomorrow just to do it.

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