Sunday, March 13, 2011
How I grew to love life
I'm sure many of my readers have been wondering why I haven't read a book in March. I'm sure many of them are wondering why I stopped posting Yoga Journal posts. This is a personal post about myself and my life, posting for posterity and for myself. So if you read this blog for reviews about nothing, then feel free to skip this post.
The three year relationship I was in ended in January. It was an easy breakup for both parties and it was civil and easy. Regardless of how easy the breakup is, there are still emotions and sadness and grief and anger and whatnot. This post isn't about the breakup. This post is about how I reacted to the breakup.
I started getting rid of all my stuff. I have too much stuff. Too many things cluttering up my life and my apartment and it's all baggage that I need to carry around. In a very obvious form of symbolism, I sold as much as I could. I also started fixing things that were broken, such as my dresser and my external hard drive. Anything to streamline my life. Anything to make things easier for myself and to give myself projects.
Here are the projects I started and some of which were finished: recording of music, yoga, learn how to make sushi, read more nonfiction and keep the apartment clean. Yoga I kind of gave up, but I replaced with actual exercise, so it's not a bad thing. In terms of recording music, I spend six hours and all I managed to complete was a 1 minute, 20 second song that sounds like Nine Inch Nails. I did learn how to make sushi and now I'm obsessed with it. I just have to be careful and not eat too many bad things.
I'm super serious about being healthy now. Here's how it started. First, I stopped using acne wash for my face, because I wanted to know if it was making it worse. Turns out it was. My face is getting clearer. So I kept going. I gave up shampoo and soap over three weeks ago. The idea was to try and let my body's chemistry regulate itself rather than artificially remove all the natural oils. You can look it up and see how many people are going it. Right now my head smells not great but not disgusting, but my hair is much softer and easy to manage. It also doesn't get that greasy feel at the end of the day. In terms of my skin, I'm seeing more softness, but nothing drastic. As my diet evens out and all the junk food leaves my system, the smell will dissipate and I will have a neutral smell overall, like my body does right now.
My diet right now consists of 1500 calories, which is probably half of what I'm used to. I had a bad weekend of eating Thai food and Chinese food, but I did have more fruit and more vegetables. Instead of beer, I drank gin and water or gin and diet pop. I also abstained from chips and other snack food. I want to use portion control and math to lose weight, along with exercise.
My dad gave me a bike trainer which holds up the bike so I can ride in the apartment. I've been doing more and more with each progressive day. It feels good, man.
I was lonely in 2010. Even in a relationship I was lonely. I was working night shifts and stuck at home without any money and in a bad relationship. Since we broke up, I went out with a different girl who is super fun and nice but we're better as friends. I've also been hanging out with tons of people I haven't seen. I receive texts all the time. All my friends have been amazing and I love them all. I love that even my friends at school have hung out with me, have wished me luck, have helped with my health, with my school, with my life. I love that my ex-girlfriend's group of friends invited me out to a party. I love that one of my friends suggested a trip to California. I love that one of my friends introduced me to a girl with whom I could have "fun" with.
I love that when I wake up, I'm not angry. I'm happier. My whole future sits before me at my feet, a cloudy path that's so inscrutable, but it's exciting because of that. I can do anything I want to do and I will. I've thought of moving to California after school's done. Or moving to Montreal. I've thought of getting more tattoos. I've thought of dating girls. I've thought of not dating girls. I've thought of moving back in my parents. I decided to move in with a friend who has been super amazing to me the past two months.
I got my old job back at the restaurant. I missed all my friends and I missed the social aspect of work. I have fun with people. I'm not a loner, but I'm happy with alone time (a psychology experiment just recently proved this to be a norm for people), so I needed the people. But, I didn't get my old job back, I was moved to a different restaurant where I know some people, so now I have the chance to make NEW friends. Very exciting.
I'm writing again. Very slowly, but I'm writing. I've already completed over 20 pages of good prose and a good plot. It's really hard work because I have written a novel since I was in university and I'm out of practice, but it's exciting regardless.
Sometimes I'm sad because I think I have to go through the whole dating thing again and try and find someone, and the odds are that we'll break up within five years. That depresses me a little. But then I suddenly think that it doesn't matter. I don't have to find somebody right now. I don't have to date. I just need to improve myself, lose weight, finish school, stay healthy, make new friends, and then it will just happen. It's when you stop looking for it that you will find it. I'm not looking for anything outside me anymore. Now, I'm looking inside and figuring out how I make it more awesome. There's a fucking handsome, clever, confident and healthy dude somewhere inside me. I just need to bring him out.
I love my life.