Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Thing remake



Here's a trailer for the oft-delayed remake of The Thing. Or is it a reboot? Or is it a prequel? I'm not really sure. But give it a watch and I'll wait.

Oh you're done? Okay, let's talk about this. First, to get it out of the way, yes, Carpenter's version of The Thing is a masterpiece of suspense and special effects. The "creatures" that are on display in this film are works of art. Yes, works of art. The whole movie is a work of art, a seamless blend of horror and science fiction, with some incredible acting on top of everything. With no explanations provided and an ambiguous ending, you have the recipe for the sco-fi horror movie that I absolutely adore.

But this. Well, I'm not quite sure what I expected from the film. It looks and feels like the same thing as before except for instead of a badass Kurt Russell as the lead, you have a twenty year old paleontologist from Columbia played by that girl from the second Final Destination or third or whatever. That doesn't seem right.

All the familiar elements are already in place: the beards, the flamethrower, the dog scratching at the cage, the showdown where someone is accused of being not human. However, this movie appears to have a higher body count (more suspects) and a lot more of the thing itself.

The overall feeling from this trailer? Familiarity. What's the point of this movie that pretends to be a prequel? Why not just remake the movie instead? Because that's essentially what the filmmakers have done here. This reboot looks exactly like the first movie. What surprises could it possibly contain?

If this is truly a prequel, then we know exactly what will happen to them. The dog, probably not played by the same dog from the first film, will escape and carry the thing to the Americans. So we know that a) the girl dies cause we saw only men alive at the beginning of The Thing and b) there ain't no happy ending for them. Knowing they die kind of removes the suspense from things.

This is exactly why I said I wasn't going to watch trailers anymore. I saw the trailer for John Carter of Mars today and I thought to myself, hey now I don't have to see it. Also, the guy playing John Carter doesn't look nearly as burly as the literary Carter was. Like, what happened to the Stallones and Schwarzeneggers of the world? These new action stars are so puny; they are the girly men, to quote somebody.

So now I've seen trailers for The Thing and John Carter and I'm not going to see either of them. After seeing the Captain America and Thor trailers, I planned to stay away. The only way I'm going to watch a trailer is to figure out what the hell the movie's about, like that French Sleeping Beauty movie coming out this week somewhere where I am not.

I promise you I'll be avoiding trailers for The Avengers as much as possible. I want to see that only because it's going to be such a big deal. But on the other hand, it's Joss Whedon, AKA the guy who writes every single person with the same voice: his own.

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